Please, I’m Begging You, Don’t Worry About What You ‘Should’ Be Doing Right Now
“Should” is irrelevant.
If you’ve ever been to therapy (or hell, read an article on basic mental health tips), you probably know that a lot of therapists aren’t huge fans of the word “should.” “Should”—as in what we think we should do or should feel—often comes bearing judgment, guilt, and unrealistic expectations, wagging its finger at you, and ultimately hurting your mental health.
Frankly, nixing “should” is good advice no matter what’s going on, which is why therapists often encourage us to cut it from our vocabulary entirely. But lately, the “should” rule is more relevant than ever. As we navigate the new coronavirus pandemic and all its stressors, from the anxiety of the unknown to the loneliness of isolation, the last thing we need to tell ourselves is what we should be doing and feeling. Because what is the worst time to impose a bunch of rules and expectations on yourself? In the middle of an UNPRECEDENTED GLOBAL CRISIS that is changing life as we know it and leaving many of us barely able to function.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s a hard urge to resist. You’ve probably been inundated recently with messages about what you should be doing. Everywhere you look, people are talking about “proper” pandemic etiquette and ways to spend your time in isolation. Here’s how to cook healthy meals from stockpiled pantry food. Here’s how to best work from home. Here’s how to finally start that side hustle you’ve been dreaming about. Hell, I’ve even written a few articles about socializing and maintaining your mental health during the pandemic.
All that advice is there for you if and when you’re ready for it, but it can be hard to take it in without feeling you should somehow find ways to be productive, creative, or “normal” amid a life-altering situation. And when you find that you can’t? Well, of course, you’re going to feel like crap about it.
It’s not just outside messaging; the pressure can come from inside the house. I don’t know about you, but more than ever I have to fight the impulse to judge myself and police my behavior as I fumble through my new shelter-in-place life. Every day, another “should” pushes its way into my thoughts. I tell myself: I should be reading more. I shouldn’t keep eating nothing but Easy Mac and Hot Pockets. I should call my family more. I should’ve gone to that Zoom Happy Hour with my coworkers. I should find a way to be helpful to those struggling more than I am. I shouldn’t be sitting around and doing nothing all day like a lump. Oh, my God, I hate myself.
Logically, I know I don’t always have the bandwidth to do these things, and even when I do, I know it’s not helpful to pressure myself when I’m struggling. But that doesn’t stop those thoughts from repeating until I feel beaten down, guilty, and worthless anyway. I understand why I’m being hard on myself: So much of my new daily life is at odds with the standards I once had for taking care of myself and my mental health. Because of that, it requires extra effort to shut down the judgment and be kind to myself.
Typically, a helpful trick for dealing with should’s omnipresent voice is to think in terms of I want and I would like instead. For example, instead of telling myself, “Ugh, I should clean my disgusting depression cave of an apartment,” I could reframe that and remind myself, “I want to clean my apartment because I know I’ll feel better when I do.” This tweak, therapists say, can lead us to act out of desire and self-compassion, not obligation and guilt. A lot of time the result is great and helpful; it certainly has been for me in the past.
In times of a global crisis, however, even the things we want to do can feel out of reach under the circumstances. I might want to binge a TV show I’ve been meaning to watch, but that doesn’t mean I can actually concentrate on it. And I might want to exercise to clear my head, but that doesn’t mean I can resist taking a depression nap instead. So I’ve been lowering the bar in order to be kind to myself.
I’m concentrating on can instead. Forget should and want, I tell myself; what can I do right now to feel a little more okay? I can stay up late playing video games when I need to. I can turn down FaceTime dates with my friends if I can’t fathom socializing. I can reach for paper plates if I need to eat but haven’t tackled the dirty dishes in my sink. I can do absolutely nothing. I can forgive myself for doing things I don’t want to be doing. I can listen to myself and honor my current, weird, difficult reality.
As a mental health writer, these can be hard messages to swallow, let alone share with other people. By embracing this point of view, we might very well engage in some behaviors that contradict what we know to be true about supporting our mental health in the long run. But the thing is, these aren't circumstances under which we can expect to thrive. We're simply not going to be at our best right now, or our healthiest or most well-adjusted, and pretending otherwise will only add insult to injury. If we can't give ourselves permission to use the coping mechanisms we have at our disposal without judgment during a literal pandemic, then when can we? If there was ever a time to forgive ourselves for being human, it's now. So I'm trying.
And I hope you can too. Beyond sticking to best practices needed to keep ourselves and others safe, the only thing we should be doing during a pandemic is getting through it. Next time you realize you’re beating yourself up about what you think you should be doing, ask yourself what you can do instead. Ask yourself: How can I support myself? How can I treat myself with compassion? How can I get through today?
That’s all any of us can do right now, so don’t let anyone—including yourself—tell you that you should be doing more.
Written by: Anna Borges
Printed in SELF | Health April 7, 2020
